Heard in Europe

Heard in Europe almost spoke to Digital Commissioner Günther Oettinger in an exclusive interview today after he apologised for comments mocking the Chinese, gay marriage and Wallonia. We couldn’t reach him so we spoke to his parody Twitter account @GOettinger instead.

Why did you decide to apologise today?
My liver tell me what to say. Not my head. But ‪@Mseltzermayr push me against a wall and make me something say against my wishes. So isch des! Nah klar: because Juncker told me to.

Do you have a good relationship with President Juncker?
Zis isch complicated. Sometimes he me not to understand. But normally zat isch Aftermidday only. Normally ze President isch with my job as Kommissar for ze Autoindustrie happy. So isch des!

How about Martin Selmayr? Do you two get along?
We has se same Mutti. Selmayr? Who isch he? You @MSeltermayr to mean?
Sorry. ‪@MSeltzermayr. Oetty had one for lunch.

Juncker’s head of cabinet.
Yes I know who ‪@MSeltzermayr isch.



Oettinger speaks
Oettinger speaks

Were you grateful that Angela Merkel supported you over the last few days?

Jawohl, Juncker und ich we both speak from se liver. Angie me not back in Berlin to want. geShe have problem enough wiz ze Bayern CSU. Seehofer und I together a formibable team to be! When Mutti sagt “fully trust” ish always deadly phrase. Means ish only matter of Zeit before she kick out sis person.

So what is your favourite Chinese meal?

Chinese meal? Why would I Chinese to eat? I not want anything in a sliteyes restaurant!

Commisioner, that’s racist.

No! I speak from ze liver! I only eat Schwabish to shtimulate our own economy.

Swabians are known for being great budgeters. How has being from Swabia prepared you to manage the EU’s budget?
Be schmall on se schmall sings. Yes zat isch true. But you not understand ze Oetty projezt. It always about employing ze right lobbyist in ze Kabinett. You now can much more Euros for Schelfdrivingautos for example. In Schwabia, 1+1=3.

So what does that mean for the EU budget?

His isch a good queschiun. Ask my Kabinett! Sis means: billions for Schelfdrivingautos! It me 2 years to take to Roaming to understand. You zink I ze Household now to follow can?

Why have you apologised to the Communists of China but not to the Communists of Wallonia?
Wallonia sey not buy German cars. Who carez?

Have you ever been to Wallonia?
Ja wohl! My Mercedes go through fast on ze way to Luxemburg. Isn’t sat se city were se European Parliament plenaries are?

That’s Strasbourg. What’s next for Günther?
Ach so…Dikkitale Autos. One day I be to invite to something in Luxemburg. I have ze Barroso lesson to learn! After ze Kommission I go to work for industrie. So isch des! I already work for se industrie. So isch des! Ze Autoindustrie zay zey need new Brüssel Lobbyist. Whether I have ze Berlaymonster office not important.

What is your main message for Europe during these difficult times for the European project?
Watercookers! We Europa from ze Greenies to save.

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